The Woman I married
by Em.Celle
Summary: Bo Dennis needs a lot of things. Especially a wife.
1. Chapter 1

Bo Dennis needs a lot of things.

She needs a new car. Or maybe she just _wants_ a new car but what's the difference anyway?

She also needs a new coffee maker because the one she has makes absolutely shit coffee.

But more than anything, Bo Dennis needs a wife.

Maybe we started this whole thing at a wrong place. We probably should have started with _why_ Bo Dennis needed all this things.

Especially a wife.

...

To understand Bo Dennis, you have to understand Trick McCorrigan.

He's Bo's grandfather, the father to her mother, but more than anything, he is Bo's guardian.

You see the thing is, Aife (that would be Bo's mother) had her when she was sixteen and frankly speaking, did not want her.

At all.

She loved her, from the second she had her she loved her. She just didn't _want_ her.

She was a child herself with her life to live, she had Bo from some one night stand and she was shitty at caring for people.

If we're being rather honest, she did Bo some sort of twisted favor by _not_ wanting her.

Seriously, she would have ruined her.

The other favor she did for Bo was to hand her over to her grandfather.

"_Take good care of her, Daddy." _ She had pleaded.

And that's exactly what Trick had done.

He had given Bo the very best of everything life had to offer because money really wasn't an issue to him.

He'd been her parent, her friend and her grandparent who constantly worried about her.

He'd worried when she went to kindergarten and had taken the day off work and spent almost the entire day calling Bo's teachers.

"_Is she alright? Are you sure...She's not still crying, is she?"_

He'd worried when she joined high school and stopped being his little girl and became a young woman.

"_So, you and that Dyson boy..."_

"_Grandpa!"_

"_I'm just asking, Ysabeu."_

"_Well don't. Dyson is only a friend."_

He'd been worried when Bo had come out to him, summer before senior year.

"_So, you like...females?"_

"_Yes."_

"_You see them as sexual beings?"_

"_Uh...I guess."_

"_Well uh, I guess you should leave the door open when your friends come for sleepovers from now on."_

But more than anything, he had worried when more than six years after coming out to him, Bo had never, not once, brought home a girlfriend.

Bo tried to assure him that she was fine and not romantically crippled. Because she honestly wasn't. She just wasn't ready to settle down for one person.

He hadn't understood her.

Before his wife had died, she and Trick had been married for thirty years and he told Bo, more than once, that it was the most amazing time of his life.

"_Everyone should get to share their life with someone, Ysabeu."_

"_I'm okay, Grandpa, really."_

"_I didn't say you're not I just...I want you to think about it, for me? At least let me see a granddaughter in law before I die."_

"_You're not dying."_

"_I will, someday. Think about it honey."_

That had been two weeks ago. Bo hadn't thought about it, not really. Trick was the strongest person she knew; no way was he dying anytime soon.

And she honestly wasn't in the mood to settle down anytime soon.

She loved her life. Partying every night she felt like it, having any girl she wanted, no ties to anyone but her grandfather; what wasn't to love?

Twelve days after her conversation with Trick, something made her change her mind completely.

She had been having breakfast when the phone rang; Trick wasn't doing so good, he wanted to see her.

She didn't even change before driving two hours to his hours, where she found him in bed, stubbornly refusing the sponge bath his aide wanted to give to him.

He did look older, smaller, not very much like the man who raised her.

He had been happy to see her and before she left, he had asked her, again, for a granddaughter in law.

"_I won't be around forever and I just want to meet her before I leave."_

She didn't want to hear all that talk of him leaving but all the way home, she had thought of his request.

It wasn't too much, what he was asking for, not to Bo who would do anything for her grandfather.

Plus he was right, he wouldn't be around forever.

It would just be for a while then she would get a divorce.

And besides, she and this 'wife' could come to an arrangement where Bo didn't have to give up her lifestyle.

She'd pay the woman a handsome amount of money, her grandfather would be happy and she'd get to fulfill her grandfather's wish.

Everybody wins.

Now all she has to do is find a wife.

...

It's not as easy as it sounds, this finding a wife business.

First, Bo tries dating sites.

It takes her weeks to find a girl who even remotely appeals to her and when she does find her, she's over the moon.

Her name is Winnie.

She likes doing outdoorsy stuff, eating meat and gives really, _really_ good head.

Her profile picture is that of a cat but Bo doesn't mind. She sends her a message.

Winnie is actually funny and after three conversations Bo is ready to strike a deal with her and they set a date.

She gets there early looking hot as hell and has to wait for Winnie for almost thirty minutes when suddenly a guy, who looks a little lost, comes to talk to her.

"Uh, hi."

By now Bo is pissed and is thinking that she had probably been stood up so she doesn't even look up before telling the guy to get lost.

"Sorry to disturb you. I was just waiting for my date and-"

Bo's neck snaps up.

Her eyes narrow just in case she confused and the guy in front of her is actually a chick with a really deep voice and like, really tiny boobs but no, it's a guy.

He even has a mustache.

"Winnie?"

She asks although she already knows the answer.

He blushes a bit, "actually that was a typing error. I meant to write Willie."

She just stares at him for a second. Trying to gauge if he's serious or she's being fucking pranked in one of those horrible MTV shows. And judging by the fact that he just stands there and no one with cameras comes running from behind the flowers; she concludes that he's serious.

So before she does something crazy, like murder the fuck out of him, which she considers for almost a whole minute, she picks her purse and leaves.

And thus marks the end of her and any and all dating sites.

...

The second thing she tries is calling some of her previous one night stands.

The ones who seemed like in another life time it might have been more than just a roll in the sack.

Some of them don't pick her calls, others pick her calls just to cuss her out, and one of them legit threatens to cut off her vagina if she ever calls her again.

She stops calling after that.

Until one of them calls her.

"_Meet me for drinks at Marley's?"_

Her name is Mary and from what Bo remembers about her, she's pretty darn hot.

So Bo makes herself up and heads down to Marley's.

Mary is already there and looking hotter than Bo remembers.

They have drinks and before Bo can propose, she's being led to an alley and she doesn't even have to ask what's going to happen.

Things are going well in the alley, they really are and then from nowhere, Mary punches her.

She fucking punches her then goes on with business like nothing happened.

It's straight up from that scene in Carlifonication and Bo has a major black eye the next morning.

She avoids Mary and all the women she has ever had sex with like the damn plague after that.

One black eye is enough.

...

Bo's third, and last resort, is asking for help.

Crystal is the cute girl who works at the coffee shop Bo usually frequents.

Earlier on, when Bo was still new around, she tried to hit on Crystal.

But the girl is apparently straighter than an arrow which is just as well cause now she and Bo are really good friends.

She's actually the only friend Bo has in the whole city.

"Why didn't you tell me before? Crystal practically shrieks when Bo tells her of her dilemma.

"I have a friend who also needs to get married," she explains, "She's got issues with immigration. You two can help each other out."

"I don' know..."

"Come on, Bo! She's gorgeous and nice and funny. Plus she's gay."

Crystal says the last bit like it's the greatest thing ever and Bo smiles a bit though she still isn't sure.

It all seems a little too easy.

"Can I meet her for like coffee or something before I make a decision?"

"You'll meet her in city hall; I'm telling you Bo, she needs to get married like yesterday."

Bo frowns, "I don't know Crys."

Crystal pouts, looking a little hurt, "do you think I'd set you up with a serial killer or something?"

Bo rolls her eyes, "don't be dramatic. You know I don't think that."

"Then why are you refusing? Look, she's my best friend and you'll be helping her out just as much as she's helping you. Plus you won't even have to pay her. All she needs is some help to get her affairs in order and all you need is to please your old man. You two can help each other out."

Bo still looks reluctant.

Crystal sighs.

" Okay, just come to city hall Saturday, with everything you need dressed in something simple and white. Lauren will arrange everything. If you don't like her, you can turn around and leave."

Bo agrees after thinking about it for a while.

It sounds simple enough.

...

Bo knows it's her immediately she sees her although they have never met before.

She's wearing a simple white dress, just like the one Bo is wearing, only longer. Her hair hanging down to her back, curled beautifully. She's effortlessly gorgeous and Bo thinks that if this was a real wedding; she'd be proud to say that is the girl she's marrying.

"Hi, I'm Bo."

Bo introduces herself politely and Lauren considers her for a second then; "you're late."

Bo just stares at her.

She rolls her eyes.

"You're Bo who's late. Now we have to wait another hour before we can go in."She looks at Bo again then looks at the chair beside her, "well, you might as well sit."

"I'm sorry about being late. Traffic was crazy."

Lauren doesn't say anything.

Bo frowns; didn't Crystal say something about this girl being nice?

And where is Crystal anyway?

"She's waiting for Hale, her boyfriend and our other witness downstairs. He's late too."

Lauren, the apparent mind reader, says.

Bo nods and looks around.

It's not much of a place to be married, city hall. If she was into marriages, she'd be disappointed that she's getting married here.

It's a good thing she's doing this for her grandfather who is going to be hella surprised when the next time Bo visits her she isn't a spinster.

Bo hopes Trick likes Lauren.

"Are you nervous?"

The question pulls her out of her thoughts.

She doesn't really know the answer to that. Honestly, short of pleasing Trick, she hasn't given this thing much thought.

She shrugs.

Lauren doesn't prod. Bo likes her a little bit more after that.

...

"Do you want to change our names?"

Lauren asks suddenly, out of nowhere, after many minutes of silence.

The question startles Bo.

"Uh- you mean when we get married?"

She asks lamely.

"No, Bo, I mean when we get hit by a train."

She says seriously and Bo rolls her eyes, "I'd like to keep my name, thank you." Her voice has no softness to it.

Lauren nods and seems to agree with Bo's decision.

"Do you want to kiss and would you prefer not to?" She asks without missing a beat. Like she's asking what flavor of frozen yogurt Bo would like.

"After we get married?"

"_When _we get married. They're going to tell us that kiss the bride line. We don't have to though," She smiles a smile that make her eyes seem cheeky, "we can say we're saving all the good stuff for after marriage."

Bo finds herself smiling back, "we'll already be married by then." She points out.

Then blond thinks about this for second then smiles again, "honey moon then. We'll say we're saving it for the honey moon."

Bo laughs but before she can say anything back, Crystal who doesn't look at all surprised to see Bo and the guy who must be Hale appear then a pissed looking guy comes to tell them it's their turn.

"Let's go get you two married!" Crystal says happily as they follow the man.

All the while, Bo wonders if when the time comes, Lauren is going to kiss her.


	2. Chapter 2

_**An; I have written and rewritten this so many times now that I just can't anymore, it is what it is.**_

**_Thank you for reading and reviewing. Really._**

* * *

><p>The chamber, where they're going to say their vows, is just like city hall in general.<p>

Nothing to write home about.

The man who's going to preside over the whole thing looks like he really wants to be somewhere else and Bo is once again glad that this isn't a real wedding.

Lauren though, doesn't seem to mind and Crystal is busy smiling like _she's _the one getting married.

The pissed off guy shows them where they're supposed to stand and Bo stands right in front of Lauren.

She looks beautiful and like she wants to be here.

For the first time, Bo wonders about her.

Does she want to get married? Not this fake marriage, a real one. In a church surrounded by friends and family. Where everyone smiles like Crystal and she holds a bouquet of flowers in her hands and stands in front of the person she loves in stead of a person she just met.

She doesn't even have a flower right now.

Bo wishes she had at least brought flowers.

Lauren must have noticed her staring because she arches a brow.

Bo looks away, the ceremony begins.

...

It's over and done with quick enough.

Bo panics a little when they ask for the rings but Crystal produces two simple but nice looking ones.

She panics again when they say the you may kiss the bride line but Lauren takes charge and kisses Bo like a third grader who's been dared by his friends.

Quick, on the cheek and she looks like a tomato when she pulls away.

The pissed off guy looks at them oddly and that seems to make Lauren think twice because she takes Bo's face in her palms which are so much softer and warmer than Bo expected them to be.

She just looks at Bo for a second which feels like more, as if she's asking for permission, and something in Bo must have granted it because she leans in, slowly and connects their lips.

She tastes like cherries. Bo thinks she'll remember that for the rest of their lives even if they end up divorcing tomorrow; her wife tasted like cherries on their wedding day.

It takes a while of them just barely kissing Lauren decides to _really _kiss Bo.

Her palms move from Bo's face and her hands tangle themselves in Bo's hair, pulling her closer. Her tongue asking for something and giving so many things at the exact same time.

And Bo doesn't know a lot about the woman she just married, but she knows she is a bloody good kisser.

She feels a little light headed when they pull away, like she needs air but doesn't want it.

Crystal claps like the idiot she is, Hale rolls his eyes at his girlfriend, and the judge pronounces them married.

...

Crystal and hale have to be somewhere before midday, so they excuse themselves after they've gotten Lauren's bags out of Crystal's car, kiss the newlyweds goodbye and drive away while shouting promises of getting together for drinks later.

It's after Crystal's voice fades away that Bo realizes that with their witnesses gone, it's just her and Lauren here.

Her wife, Lauren who's looking at her with shining eyes, like she knows something Bo doesn't.

Like she can see something the brunette is blind to.

"What?" Bo asks, feeling like she's smiling although she isn't.

Lauren shrugs and looks away, her eyes still bright and the wind playing with her hair.

She tucks a few strands behind her ear, "what's the plan?" she asks in that just so tone of hers.

Bo frowns, "what plan?"

"The plan," she says training her eyes back to Bo, they've lost most of their brightness,"we're married now, we should have a plan."

It's odd to even hear it, that they're married.

Before this morning, Bo didn't even know what this woman looked like.

"Well, I don't have one. Do you?"

"No," she says softly, "maybe we should go home and talk about it, come up with a plan."

Home?

the hell does she mean home?

"Home?" Bo asks, her eyes widening a little.

"Yes, Bo. Home."

"Your home?"

"_Our _home."

"What do you mean, _Our _home? Are we going to live together?"

Lauren eyes her for a second, like she's trying to figure out if Bo is serious or not, then, "No,Bo. Of course we won't live together, it's not like we're married or anything." Her voice drips of sarcasm.

Bo narrows her eyes, "you're not serious, are you?"

"Of course I'm not, clown that I am." she says with a fake smile.

Bo sighs, "can you not have a conversation without being sarcastic in every statement?"

Lauren thinks about it for a second, then shakes her head, "no, not really."

Bo wonders if it's okay to divorce someone less than an hour after marrying them.

...

The ride home is silent.

Lauren is tapping away on her phone, Bo is trying not to blow fumes out of her ears and nose.

At no point, during this whole arrangement, did she think she was going to have to share her space with someone else.

It was supposed to be something simple, help a girl out and have a girl to introduce to Trick so he can be happy.

But here she is, with a wife and a roommate.

It's all just a little too much.

"I'm clean," Lauren's voice, sounding oddly hurt, pulls her to the present.

"What?" She asks keeping her eyes on the road.

"I'm clean, I usually pick after myself and I'm not afraid to work. Plus I really don't take much space and I'm majorly organized. I'll also contribute to everything, I have a job." She looks out the window when she's done and for a minute Bo finds her rant cute as hell and she almost smiles.

Until she realizes _why _the blonde told her all that and she bites her lip feeling a tad guilty.

"You don't have to clean, Gloria does that." She wants to tell her she doesn't have to contribute a thing either, Trick puts enough money in Bo's account to last the brunette a lifetime even if she wasn't working.

But Lauren looks like a proud person, and proud people hate feeling like a burden, so Bo keeps her mouth shut.

She's already messed up enough today as it is.

"Okay." the blond says quietly.

Bo wishes she'd just go back to being sarcastic already.

...

"So," she opens the door to the house that she is honestly rather proud of, "this is my home."

Lauren comes behind her, placing the bags that she refused to let Bo help her carry down, she looks around and nods, "it's a nice place. Really nice."

"Thanks. Um," Bo fumbles a little with the keys, "the first door is the bathroom, then your bedroom, then my bedroom," she points to another door, "kitchen's that way and uh," she looks around a bit, "there's the bar." she points excitedly.

Lauren smiles a bit, "I couldn't tell with all those drinks on the shelves."

Bo smiles, genuinely smiles, "right. I guess you'll learn the rest as time goes by."

"I guess I will." Lauren says looking around, her brown eyes seemingly appreciating every tiny detail.

Maybe it won't be so bad, this living with another person thing.

...

It's really, really, _really _bad, this living with another person thing.

Especially if that person is Lauren Lewis.

It all starts the very next morning when Bo gets out of bed and heads to her bathroom to freshen up.

She had a good night's sleep, mostly because she was so exhausted and overwhelmed at the days events and she the minute she lay her head on her pillow, she was asleep.

Her mind is well rested and in all honesty, she has _completely _forgotten the events of yesterday.

Until she walks into her bathroom.

"What the fuck! What the- Gloria!"

Instead of a short brunette woman coming, Bo sees a tall blond and that's when she recalls that she is married.

She is bloody married.

"The fuck happened to my bathroom?"

"What do you mean?" her wife, who is cradling a mug of coffee, asks innocently.

"It's green!" Bo shrieks.

Lauren nods once, takes a sip of her coffee, then nods again, for added effect, "that's because I put plants in it."

"You turned it into a hideous garden, that's what you did." Bo looks into the bathroom that looks like some sort of greenhouse and she actually, honestly, almost cries.

She paid hundreds of dollars to get the bathroom decorated.

Hundreds!

"What the fuck kind of ridiculous looking plants are these anyway?" She asks after a second.

"Ferns." Lauren says proudly, smiling, like she's saying something really good.

Bo almost slaps her, but then she remembers spousal abuse is a crime so she sighs, "will you remove them, please?" she asks in her politest voice. It's their first day as a married couple and they shouldn't be fighting.

Lauren narrows her eyes, "in door plants are good for absorbing toxins. Plus I spent hours strategically arranging them so they can have maximum effect."

Bo blinks, then blinks again, "maximum effect?"

Lauren nods, "maximum effect."

"Maximum effect in what? Pissing me the hell off?"

"You have to stop with the cursing," Lauren chastises softly.

"And you have to get those awful looking things out of my bathroom!"

"They're beautiful."

"You're insane!"

"You know what, if you can't have a reasonable conversation without insulting me, I think I'll just leave."

"You do that."

The blond looks like she wants to say something, but then she shakes her head, turns around and leaves.

...

She decides to just let it go, it's their first day being married and it wouldn't pay to kill her wife on the very first day of their life together.

So after taking a shower and scowling at the _ferns _to her satisfaction, she dresses up comfortably and goes to get to know the woman she is going to spend the next god know how many months with.

Speaking of, they have to talk about this whole arrangement thing and come up with that plan.

Lauren pretends she doesn't see Bo as the brunette busies herself with making breakfast.

Bo honestly doesn't know what she's doing but she cannot see Gloria anywhere and she will be damned if she asks Lauren anything right now.

So she does her work silently and Lauren reads her paper silently,until she sees Bo putting her egg on a plate.

"What's that?"

She asks with a scowl.

"It's the fried fruit of chicken sex," Bo says dryly reaching for the coffee.

"It's raw," Lauren says making a face that if Bo wasn't totally upset at her, would find cute. But she is mad at her so she doesn't find it even vaguely cute.

Not at all.

"It's none of your business, that's what it is." She says settling herself comfortably on her stool and picking the paper that Lauren isn't reading and digs into her breakfast.

Shit.

It _is _raw. And absolutely disgusting.

If Lauren weren't here she would probably pour it in the sink, but she can feel the blond's smug smile boring into her so she shoves more raw egg into her mouth.

Lauren snorts behind her paper.

Bo hates being married.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Thank you so much for the reviews that made me smile so hard. Thank you, I love you people._**

_**This chapter is for A.A, because when she isn't flattering me she's making me laugh like some demented idiot. I hope this makes you smile.**_

_**P.s, to whoever spots the Home Alone reference, please contact me so that we can tie the knot.**_

* * *

><p>Lauren is anal retentive.<p>

It's not really rocket science to figure it out and Bo kind of hates that it took her three days to notice.

Every single tiny thing has to be a certain way and if it isn't she gets this cute little scowl on her face and looks like she literally has to hold herself back from fixing it.

Bo loves it.

She especially _loves _putting things haphazardly just to drive the blond crazy.

That will teach her to put bloody ferns in the bathroom, giving Bo mini heart attacks when she goes to the toilet at night.

"Bo," she calls on the evening of their fourth night together, she's in the kitchen cooking something _healthy, _whatever the hell that means.

"What," the brunette answers smiling to herself, already knowing what's to come.

"Why the hell are all the cups on the bloody counter! Cups don't go on the counter, Bo!"

"They look pretty there," she says as innocently as she can.

_**Ferns,** really, she ought to have hung underwear in the living room._

"They look like we've had a visit from the _mug _bandits." Lauren is now standing directly in front of her, a red apron on her waist and her hair in a ponytail, her chest heaving.

If she were honestly, legitimately Bo's wife. They would totally be having sex tonight.

Totally.

"Oh come on, they look a little pretty."

"what the _hell_ does _pretty _have to do with order?"

Bo shrugs.

She eyes Bo for a second then it dawns on her, "you're doing this on purpose." it's a statement.

Bo shrugs again, her smile threatening to break through.

The blond wipes her hands on her apron and nods, like she's accepting some sort of challenge, "okay." she nods again, "okay."

...

It's like waiting for a fucking bomb to drop.

They have settled into a routine.

Bo wakes up, has a mini heart attack in the bathroom, goes to the kitchen to have really nice coffee that Lauren sees fit to make for her, does a few conference calls, then sits on her favorite couch and contemplates ways to drive her wife crazy.

Reorganize all the seats in the house.

Put all the photos facing down.

Throw various kinds of underwear all around the house.

Invite a bunch of hobos for an impromptu party.

The possibilities are endless!

The only problem is that Lauren is participating in the little war Bo has declared.

She gets up before Bo for work, comes back late in the evening and locks herself in her room, to unpack and all that shit.

But that's not the worrying part, the worrying part is that she is so freaking _nice!_

And really, it's sorta freaking Bo out, still waters and all that shit.

"We should get to making that plan," she says one night as they're in the living room.

She's reading, and Bo is pretending to watch T.V while stealing glances at the blond, just to make sure she isn't aiming a gun at her or something.

"What?" she asks, pretending to be really interested in the T.V.

"The plan, I mean, you wanted to introduce me to your grandfather, and I need us to pass as a real, legit couple, just in case anyone asks. So yeah, we need a plan."

"Uh, okay."

"That's not very helpful." The blond says with narrowed eyes, placing her book on her lap.

"You just swung this on me, I need sometime to think." Bo defends herself and Lauren sighs.

"Okay then, let's start small,getting to know each other, where were you born?"

"Here, in the city."

Lauren nods, "did you like your childhood?"

"Loved it." Bo answers without missing a bit.

The blond smiles, "did you like yours?" Bo asks before the woman can ask another question.

"Most of the time." She answers after a bit.

"And the rest of the time?"

She shrugs and picks her book, "too long of a conversation for this time of night." Is all she says.

...

She should have known, she really should have fucking known that the bomb would drop when she least expects it.

It Saturday evening.

Lauren's being _really _nice.

She had the day off work, she cooks really nice food and buys a lot of alcohol.

After dinner, they get to talking.

The getting to know each other thing is part of their routine now and so instead of Bo concentrating on making her wife's life hell, she spends her time thinking of questions to ask her.

They only have a few days before they go to meet Trick, their act has to be real.

So Bo asks all the right questions and Lauren gives all the right answers.

She lets Bo know that she was born in England and raised in France and moved to Canada to find her father. She tells her of strange English mornings when she had _tea, _of all freaking things. And she describes living in France like the way someone would describe eating chocolate. Delicately, like it's something she wants to keep with her forever.

So, drinks are flowing and so is the conversation and Bo finds Lauren more and more interesting with every question the blond answers.

Lauren though, she doesn't drink much, all she does is ask Bo if she wants more.

She's very prompt in refilling her wife's glass. Bo thinks of what a nice woman she married.

Until she wakes up in the morning.

Harboring mother of all bloody headaches, feeling like a million elephants are playing drums in her head and as if that's not bad enough, someone somewhere is playing really loud music.

It's like hip hop and electronic music had sex and created Bo's worst nightmare.

At first, she thinks it's the neighbors. But then she opens her door in order to go out and bitch at them and she is literally slapped by the music.

She has to stand still for a second and confirm that her head isn't cracking open.

"What the fuck, Lauren!" She yells above the music to her wife who is seated crossed legged on the couch, looking like a mafia boss.

Lauren just smirks.

"Turn it the hell down!" she yells again, feeling like she might cry.

Lauren must have decided to take some pity on her, because she turns the volume down a bit, Bo rubs her throbbing head, "the fuck was that?"

"Nice uplifting music." Lauren says softly, her smirk still in place, "I'm in the mood to be uplifted today."

If she had the energy, Bo would have scowled at her, "what's uplifting about the shit you were just playing?"

Lauren shrugs, "the spirit wants what the spirit wants, darling."

"Well, can your spirit wait till later, I have a raging headache and that music is driving me nuts." it's as polite as Bo can be right now.

Lauren tilts her head to the side, "is it now?"

Her tone, her shining eyes, the fact that she has to keep her smile from splitting her face into two...Bo gasps, "you're enjoying this!"

"Now why would you think something as awful as that?" She asks with mock hurt.

That's when Bo recalls that Lauren drunk almost nothing last night, how she was so nice in offering Bo more, how Bo told her, just the other day, that she usually has the worst hangovers ever.

"You fucking planned this!"

"I did no such thing," the blond is close to laughing now.

Bo doesn't know what to say. She was played so bad, so fucking expertly that she really just doesn't know what to say.

She decides to let it go for now. She has the worst headache in the history of headaches, Lauren has already turned the music back up and she honestly cannot think right now.

But later, when her headache has been dealt with she is going to enact sweet revenge on Lauren.

The blond won't even know what hit her.

...

The gods are smiling so fucking big on Bo Dennis, seriously, that's the only way she knows how to describe the fact that a chance to enact her sweet revenge fell right on her lap.

She didn't even have to go look for it. And it happened so beautifully that it really just _has_ to be the gods avenging her.

So, for all her Mafia ways, it turns out Lauren actually does have a heart under that constantly covered in ridiculous shirts chest of hers and a few hours after attempting to split Bo's head in half, she turns up at the brunette's door, coffee cup in one hand and actual cooked eggs in another.

Her weight shifting from one foot to another and biting her lip, looking nervous as hell.

"How's your head?"

It's better, if we're being real. Bo took some medicine and she's been sleeping and letting herself calm down so in all honesty, her head is a million times better. But she'll sooner wear acrylic than tell Lauren that.

"Killing me, what are you even doing here?"

"I-" Lauren looks a bit ashamed, "I brought you breakfast."

"It's one."

"Uh, brunch then?" She bites her lip even harder and shifts even more and it has been said before but really if this woman was Bo's wife they'd be having _so _much sex.

So much.

"Are you trying to bribe me into forgetting that you're a cruel,_ cruel,_ person using food? Because if you are I have to tell you that that's offensive."

The blond looks even more nervous, "it's one. You haven't even left your room and it's one. I thought you'd like something to eat."

"So this is not you acknowledging the fact that you're evil?"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know that you have such a delicate head."

Bo arches a brow, "delicate head?"

Lauren rolls her eyes and walks in, seemingly tired of waiting for an invitation. She places the coffee and eggs on Bo's bedside table and then just stands there awkwardly, like she doesn't know where to go from here.

Her uncomfortableness not only amuses Bo to no end, but it also_ really _thrills her, she picks her mug of coffee that try as she can, she never understands how Lauren manages to make it so good.

"You betrayed my trust." She decides to milk this for all it's worth.

Lauren, if possible, grows even more uncomfortable, "I know."

"How I'm I supposed to tell you things now if I know you're just going to use them against me?"

"You put pepper in the salt shaker, Bo. What was I to do?" She says like what Bo did was the greatest sin on earth, like it absolves her of any blame to anything she did in retaliation to that.

"Those shakers look the same, it was an honest mistake."

It was a juvenile trick but by God was it hilarious.

Lauren sighs, "can we just stop this?"

"Stop what?" Bo asks innocently, taking a sip of her coffee.

"This, everything, I don't want to do whatever it is we're doing, Bo. Let's just, lets act like adults, yeah? Cause I think you're a really nice person and maybe we just got off on the wrong foot." She gives Bo a small smile, "I'd like to get to know the woman I'm married to."

She looks and sounds so genuine, but Bo Dennis is anything but stupid, she's not going to be played twice, no fucking way.

The brunette smiles, "sure, how about we start now."

Lauren looks genuinely surprised that Bo agreed that fast but she sits down on the bed anyway, "okay. Where should we start from?"

"Conjugal rights."

Lauren looks like she just chocked on her own spit, her eyes grow wide and her cheeks tint, "conjugal _what?"_

"Rights," if we're being real, even Bo doesn't know where that came from, but Lauren looks uncomfortable so she's going to just run with it. "We're married, I'm entitled to some action."

"Oh my- are you _serious?"_

_"_I don't take marital rights lightly, Lauren."

"You're demented. I swear to god, something isn't right with you."

"Can we just be adults, for five seconds, let's do that." Bo gently places her cup down, "sex is important Lauren. At least to me. And one of the perks of being married is having regular, _legal _sex."

"I'm not sleeping with you!" She sounds genuinely appalled and seriously, Bo's feelings are a tiny bit hurt, she's hot as hell and this woman is blind or not a very good lesbian if she isn't even _considering_ sex with her.

Not that Bo really wants to have sex but still.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because."

"Because _what? _I'm not trying to be vain here but even straight girls want some of this."

Lauren scoffs, Bo glares, "I'm not joking, I've known girls who thought they were straight and then they met my vagina."

"You're delusional."

"No I'm not," she lowers her voice, "and if you want, I can prove it."

"No."

"You're mouth is saying no but your nether regions are calling out to me so loud..."

"Bo!" Now she looks like a tomato and Bo has to but her cheeks to keep from laughing, this is just too good and too damn easy.

She has reduced the ever sarcastic Lauren Lewis to one worded sentences.

"Come on, Lauren..." she tries to sound sultry, Lauren shoots from the bed.

"I'm leaving now." And then before Bo can say anything else, she bolts.

Bo falls back on the bed and laughs, her whole being feeling so ridiculously proud she could burst.

Revenge, especially when you didn't even have to plan it, is so extremely sweet.


	4. Chapter 4

_**It's a tricky thing, balancing them being lovey yet still hilariously oblivious and I might mess up more than once. Bear with me.**_

_**Thank you for reviewing and reading and it makes the whole thing a million times more fun.**_

* * *

><p>It's weird as all actual fucks combined into one big ball of utter and complete weirdness.<p>

That made no sense.

But then again, neither does the fact that it's been Five days since Bo's genius revenge and Lauren hasn't done a thing in retaliation.

In fact, she's laying lower than an African plateau. Which is saying a lot because those things lie pretty darn low.

She comes home, cooks dinner, exchanges a few words with Bo while not looking her in the eyes for more than five seconds, then goes to her room.

Now, if this were any other normal human being, Bo would have come to the conclusion that she has accepted defeat with dignity and integrity and their lives would now be awesome since the fact that Bo is the Einstein of revenge and isn't one to be fucked with has been established.

But this isn't any normal person.

This is Lauren Lewis, the woman who thinks _Ferns _are acceptable plants to put in the bathroom of all places and that that demented headache inducing music she plays is in any way uplifting.

Honestly, at this moment, Bo is convinced that Normal and Lauren don't live in the same planet. They've never even met. That's why she has her guard up like a bloody security guard.

Seriously, at this moment, every single thing Lauren does is to be thoroughly questioned and then questioned a second time because Bo knows that Lauren will strike when she least expects it. So logic dictates that if she always expects it, then Lauren will never strike.

See, sheer _genius_.

"Morning." She says when she gets to the kitchen, Lauren and Gloria stopping their little conversation that has Lauren smiling like a fool, as soon as they see her.

The smile on the blond's face vanishes and Gloria excuses herself to go do a thing or the other.

Bo frowns; well, that wasn't suspicious at all.

"What was that about?" She asks settling herself on her favorite stool.

Lauren shrugs, her face as blank as it always is when she's talking to Bo these days, "nothing."

"Right," Bo picks an apple and stares at the door Gloria just walked out of.

Maybe she should fire Gloria. Conspiring little traitor that she is. Besides, what married woman smiles like that at someone who isn't her wife?

That must be illegal in at least all states _and _the Bible.

(Except maybe for Revelations. Pretty much anything goes in Revelations.)

"Would you like some breakfast?" Lauren asks softly while easily moving in the kitchen

It's times like this that Bo wonders how life would be like if Lauren was normal. Would they be happy? would they have inane yet still adorable little conversations over breakfast?

It's also times like these that Lauren scares the living shit out of Bo. Because everyone with half a brain cell and a T.V knows that when someone you're at war with is being nice to you, your day of doom isn't that far off.

"Uh- yeah, okay."

She says as nicely as possible.

Maybe Lauren _has _called a cease fire. Better not ruin her chances if that's the case.

"Eggs sound okay?"

"Sounds great." She even throws in a smile before taking a bite of her apple and watching as Lauren hums when she cooks.

The whole kitchen smells like coffee and well fried eggs and maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing if you actually want it.

Lauren sets a plate in front of Bo not even ten minutes later, the egg is smiling, Bo laughs.

"Thanks."

Lauren just shrugs and pours two cups of coffee, passing one to Bo then sitting quietly with hers and a news paper.

Bo cuts into her eggs and then frowns a bit, "you're not having breakfast?"

"Already did." Lauren replies offhandedly, not even looking up from her paper.

Bo's frown deepens, she stares at the eggs, then at Lauren, then at the eggs, then back at Lauren, "_what?" _Lauren's voice doesn't sound amused.

Bo bites her lip; what's the nicest way of saying _I think there's a possibility you might have poisoned this food, _while making sure you don't sound like a complete jerk who's also a tiny bit crazy?

"I think we should pray for this food."

There. That's a pretty nice compromise. Doesn't sound jerkish or paranoid _at all_.

Lauren frowns, "pray?"

Bo nods, "pray."

All Lauren can do is sigh.

...

As far as lives go, Bo Dennis doesn't have it that bad.

Yeah, she's married to insanity personified and she has to walk like she's navigating the Amazon every time she wants to do her private business because said insanity personified thinks it's okay to put the octopuses of plants in the bathroom.

But if you think about it objectively, she could have had it so much worse.

Her wife cooks, and keeps shit clean and as annoying as it is that she alphabetizes every bloody thing- including the groceries;

"_you can't place the spinach before the broccoli Bo, everyone knows that!"_

Bo has decided to be the bigger, better person and let that one thing go. She read up that OCD people get really irked with disorganization and as much as she wants to win this on going war, she isn't that mean.

It also helps that with her wife's organizational skills, Bo now knows what she's supposed to do at all times of the day.

(Lauren usually writes it down, in _bold red, _and sticks it on the fridge.)

For example, right now she's supposed to be heading out to a friend's party.

Well, not exactly a friend, just someone that she knows and whose party she wouldn't have attended in any other instance but as things stand, she is really, _really, _deprived. and such parties tend to have more than their fare share of loose girls.

It's been weeks and she has never gone that long without..well, _it _before and that little stunt she pulled on Lauren did a mighty fine job of making it glaringly obvious that she needs to do something to sate herself before she's forced to start _self-appreciating._

She doesn't think Lauren will appreciate that too much. She tends to be vocal when she's gone too long without taking care of business.

"Hi." Lauren says walking inside the house, carrying an armful of groceries.

"Hey."

"Going somewhere?"

Lauren asks, closing the door with the back of her foot, balancing groceries on her hip. Her hair is a little messed up and her cheeks are rosy due to the cold outside and she looks so domestic that Bo has to bite back a smile.

"That party I told you about," she says putting on her earrings. Lauren usually comes home at eight on Fridays and that means that Bo is almost late for this little shindig.

"What party?"

Lauren asks walking to the kitchen.

"The house warming party? I mentioned it to you yesterday when you were making that schedule, you even wrote it down." she yells back. Looking around for her jacket.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

Lauren walks into the living room carrying the paper, "no I didn't," she raises the paper, "it says dinner and conversation, eight to nine thirty. It's here in red."

Bo frowns sliding into her coat, "well, I'm sorry. But I have to go to this thing."

"Why?"

"Because."

Lauren rolls her eyes, "real mature, Bo. How are we supposed to get to know each other enough to stop this silly little fights and be able to convince people, including your grandfather, we're a real couple if you won't even put in your share of effort."

"I put in effort!" Bo says, wholly offended.

"Oh yeah," everything about Lauren's body language is challenging, "by doing _what _exactly?"

Bo narrows her eyes as she thinks, then it comes to her clear as day, "I watered your hideous plants yesterday." she says proudly.

"No you didn't." Lauren's voice is disbelieving.

"Totally did."

Well, she _spit _water into the darn things but that's just semantics.

Lauren looks away and Bo knows she wants to smile. Sometimes it kind of worries Bo how cute she finds her wife. It's never a good thing to develop soft spots for your enemies. Especially enemies who you know you have limited time with.

"Stay in tonight. Let's have dinner and talk and just- stay."

Her voice sounds so sincere and for a moment, Bo considers saying yes. But then...(_raging_ _bloody libido)_...she has things that need to be dealt with before she keels and dies from sexual deprivation.

"I can't," she hopes Lauren's feelings are not hurt.

Lauren nods, she looks embarrassed by her vulnerability. Bo feels bad. Lauren is really trying tonight, she's trying harder than she has the whole week and maybe Bo shouldn't shoot her down.

But then again, sexual deprivation in high dosages is fatal. It's been scientifically proven and shit.

This is a matter of life and death here.

"Give me a moment then." she says out of nowhere.

Bo frowns, "uh- why?" She isn't sure they're having the same conversation anymore.

"I'm going to change. I'm coming with." She says like it's the most obvious thing on earth.

Bo blinks, it's all she can do.

Chances of her getting laid tonight just went down. _Drastically._

_..._

Bo looks at the road, then at her wife, then sighs.

For about the millionth time.

"Say your piece and stop annoying the hell out of me with your judgmental little sounds, Bo."

"Okay," she parks her car in front of the not so shabby looking house, "what _the fuck, _are you wearing?"

Lauren looks at her shirt then looks at Bo like she's an idiot, "did you not go to elementary school? Can't you tell a rainbow when you see one?"

"Yeah, but _why?"_

"Why not? I'm gay. I like being gay. I'm proud of it."

"So you're announcing it?"

"It's my gayness. I'll announce it if I want to. Besides, I'm only wearing this because my '_I hate Pennies_' shirt is nowhere to be seen," she sighs, "some people actually don't get this shirt and still insist on hitting on me although they look like they couldn't handle possessing a vagina and have a visible lack of mammary glands. It's annoying."

She actually, genuinely, looks upset and Bo isn't so sure if she is doing this to embarrass her as some sort of punishment or if she just actually dresses like this to parties.

Also, _"mammary_ glands?" who on earth says such shit though?

"It's another name for breasts, Bo. Read a book once in a while." She unbuckles her safety belt, and gives Bo an evil little smirk, "shall we?"

Bo could already see the little social standing she has go up in flames.

...


End file.
